Sue Cranfield Salisbury, Maryland Maryland

S

This woman and my second husband turned my world upside down. For 20 + years, I thought my husband had always been faithful to me. Then a year ago, my world came crashing down. He was a cheater. He was/is a liar. He was raised that way. His own mother justifies lying. My first husband was a cheater and abusive. I swore up and down I would never ever go through that again and my second husband knew this going into the marriage. After all these years to find out he was not who I thought he was is so heartbreaking. I lost the person I loved and trusted. || Quite a while ago, we went through a very tough year and instead of turning to me he turned to a co-worker, Sue. They became friends and then next thing I know he is supposedly going through a mental/emotional breakdown. He started spending time away from me and our daughter. I find his wedding ring in the driveway. Disappearing at times, Clothes going out the door. When, in fact, he was at another co-workers house, (removed)., partying with her and a group. Calls from her to the house to talk to him about”work” on the weekend. Drugs and alcohol were involved and only God knows what went on. They met up at other parties. She invites him home for sex. According to both, the sex was terrible. But I asked the questions and he gave me the full run down. I asked for every detail and he chose this time to be completely honest and now that is all I see and hear . It has been a huge loss to me. The vision will be in my mind forever. She was married, but supposedly separated. Next thing I hear is”I don’t know if I want to be married anymore.” I have told him repeatedly that I wish he would have told me then and moved on.He knew I would kick him out. At least I would not be sitting here today wondering about all the years between then and now. My marriage is still struggling. I don’t trust him. How can I, when he has lied to me for so long. I am so dumb and blind and to think I had been through it all before. I just didn’t want to see it. || When I logged on to this site recently I read the following (I did not get the writers name) post that is so very true and explains my marital situation now completely and I sincerely hope the writer does not mind me reposting: ||”I want to say something to the betrayed. I read the stories and I see a lot of “He cheated and I forgave him” and then in the next few sentences is mentioning all the fighting they do about the cheating and their inability to let it go. To me, this is a clear sign that you in fact did not forgive him/her. || I mean how could you? || Did the cheater answer all those terribly personal questions that has you burning up inside; You know, the ones you have about the other person and the details of their affair? The questions that the cheater never wants to address because it is uncomfortable or them or because they may need to lie to you to spare further hurt. They don’t understand the need to know the truth, because they don’t understand that what we make up in our heads is far worse than any truth. They don’t want a spotlight on their dirty deeds so they tell you to drop it and let it go; it isn’t important or I don’t want to hurt you. The cheater MUST be an open book from then on out. || Was the cheater able to identify all the ways in which they hurt you or did they just say “Sorry, I messed up”? Did they address the fact that they made you feel unworthy and unimportant? Are they doing all the little things to show you that you matter? Were they able to show you that their ‘word’ was always the truth so you can eventually stop stalking them everywhere they go to verify their whereabouts? || Loss of trust is a huge loss. I rank it right up there with a tragic death of a close relative or friend. It is a kick in the gut that you cannot fully get past until you deal with the loss, and I am sorry folks, but you do not just ‘decide’ that you have forgiven and it becomes so, especially not so soon after it happened. You just simply continue on as best you can and choose not to change anything about your life with that person. You go on, and just hope that the cheater cares enough about how much pain they caused you so that they will be deterred from doing it again. || Sometimes that works, or you could end up sending the message, “Hey, you hurt me but I am still going to have sex with you so yeah…you are totally forgiven…please feel free to hurt me again because I will only be mad for a little while and withhold affection for a short time.” We so desperately need to feel wanted that we throw ourselves at the cheater and we have the best sex ever. You feel wanted again and the cheater feels forgiven and gets the message that cheating is ok, because you really weren’t hurt that bad. || My message in this is in order to really heal, you need to address the loss. Even though you may still be with the cheater, you suffered a loss so terrible that it shook you to the core. Classes on grief and loss can be a big help. Regular talk therapy is not enough because it doesn’t address the grief and the steps to repair what is lost. I know this from experience. I hope someone finds it helpful.” || I hope more people read this and get help. Especially if they have decided to try and save their marriage. I had my husband read it. He said”that explains us completely.” He is seeing a counselor, but what am I to believe when he tells me things and then does not act on what counselor advises. I am so back and forth. That loss of trust is killing me and what is left of our marriage. I was never a trusting person and I don’t understand why I chose to be blind to it. I want revenge, but how do you get that? You can’t. || I lost my mother very suddenly not long ago and this is just as heartbreaking as her death. I have been to counseling and it has helped some, but I am going to try to group/grief counseling. I am a broken person because of Sue and my husband. She has had other affairs and her husband has had an affair with a younger woman. She is a slut, looks like a worn out slut now. I hope she is getting everything she deserves. I believe in karma. What comes around goes around. || I have recently gone through some things with my daughter that took place in the same year with the same group of people and all the bad crap is back. It never goes away, you just find a way to deal with it. There is never a day that goes by that I am not reminded of the affair in some manner. They, jointly, broke me.

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By Karl